Naruto crack fics
by Bardiel the 13th
Summary: The chapters are going to make you laugh.The chapters are related to each other.If you don't read this you DIE!
1. Onbaa remover

**Disclaimer:I do not own NARUTO.**

A/N:Ever chapter of this will be unrelated to the last one, and if one of these make you want to write a continuation(I doubt it)just tell me and i'll give you permission.

**At Naruto's house**

"Naruto was pretty tierd from a mission that made him stay in the forest around Konoha for three days without sleeping.But after a quick nap he somehow regained all his stamina back.When he went to prepare his breakfast he noticed he had company"

Aaaah!!What the hell is that!, yelled Naruto upon seeing a tiny brown arm snatch away his apple.

Onbaa, said the little animal.

Ah.Not another onbaa, said Naruto remembering the trouble he got into when Konoha got invaded by them(episode 185), and it was blamed on him.

"Naruto was sure that someone out there was trained to remove onbaas in case another incident happened.So he went to Tsunade's office to see if she had any info"

**Hokage's office a little while later**

What do you want Naruto, i'm very busy, said Tsunade staring at him angrily.

W-well you see, said Naruto.I wanted to know if you knew how to remove onbaas?

Why do you want to know that?

"Naruto turns around to show her the onbaa which had now grown very big"

I see.There is only one person able to remove the onbaa, said Tsunade.

Who is it?, asked Naruto turning around to face Tsunade.

Kakashi Hatake.

Kakashi sensei?When did he learn to remove onbaas?

He came up with a great method, and then he used it on the whole village.

Then call him!This thing's getting bigger!

Right!Shizune!

Yes!

Go call Kakashi and tell him it's to remove an overgrown onbaa.

Right away!, said Shizune as she disappeared.

**Moments later**

Alright where's the onb-oh shit!That thing is huge!, said Kakashi with a surprised face...err...um...surprised quarter face.

As you can see, the onbaa is pretty big already so if you were to please just hurry up, said Tsunade.

"Kakashi takes out a bat, an extremly lethal looking kunai, a big cage, and summoned his fiercest looking ninja dog.(the white one that kind of looks like Gaara)"

Uh...Kakashi sensei...what are you gonna do with those?, asked Naruto who wanted the onbaa off not dead.

I'm gonna knock the the onbaa down with the bat, the dog is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.The onbaa will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage, said Kakashi as he hands the kunai to Naruto.

Then what's this for?, said Naruto looking at the kunai.

If the onbaa knocks ME down, kill the dog!

A/N:Ha ha!Yes!


	2. Bad bathroom experience

**Disclaimer:I do not own NARUTO.**

**WARNING:This chapter will make you laugh and get grossed out at the same time.**

**Choji's favorite restuarant**

"Team Asuma was celebrating yet another mission and were quickly remembering why they don't let Choji chose the restuarant"

Nm nm nm!Slirp!Munch much!

Hey Choji, i'm gonna go to the restroom.I'll be back, said Shikamaru standing up.

Munch munch!Alright!Munch munch!

**The restroom**

"As Shikamaru goes into the restroom he sees this poor guy with no arms.As Shikamaru stands there takin' care of business, he wonders how the guy is going to relieve himself"

H-hey buddy!Before you leave.C-can you help me out?, asked the guy with a sad, emberassed look on his face.

Hmn, alright, said Shikamaru being a kind person.

Can you undo my pants?

Alright.

C-can you pull it out for me?

Uh...yeah alright.

"Shikamaru pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and has a horrible surrounding stench"

C-can you do the rest?

Lets get this over with, said Shikamaru pointing it for him and putting it back.

Thank you young man, you are a very kind person.

You're welcome, but what the hell is wrong with that thing?

I don't know, but I ain't touching it, said the guy pulling his arms out of his shirt.

A/N:Ha ha, the first part almost makes you cry doesn't it.


	3. 2 for 1

**Disclaimer:I do not own NARUTO.**

A/N:The first joke is based on the first scene of the first movie, the second is just for fun.

**Movie theatre after the movie**

"The movie had already finished and Sasuke and Naruto had already left, but Sakura was still there.Sakura lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theatre.Then the usher(ticket guy)came by and saw her"

I'm sorry ma'am, but you're only allowed one seat, said the usher.

"Sakura groans"

Ma'am, if you don't get up from there i'm going to have to call the manager, said the usher getting impatient.

"Again, Sakura just groans, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched back up the aisle in search of his manager"

**A while later**

"Both the usher and the manager returned and stood over her.Together the two of them repeatedly tried to move her but with no success"

**Another while later**

"Finally, they summoned the Konoha military police"

Alright miss, what's your name?, asked the cop.

Sakura Haruno, groaned Sakura.

Where are you from Miss Haruno?, asked the cop.

With pain in her voice Sakura said, The ceiling.

A/N:Ha ha!She fell from the ceiling.If you're wondering 'WTF?'(what the fuck)this is when they are watching the movie while hanging from the ceiling.

**Time for another one!**

A/N:Yes another!

**At a random restuarant**

"An onbaa walks into a restuarant and orders a bowl of ramen with extra naruto(fish cake), and a bottle of sake'.After he is finished eating, the waiter(Tenten)comes by"

Would you like any dess-

"The onbaa lifts his arm and uses prepared needle shot(yes it is a real attack, used by Shizune), and kills Tenten(no one actually cares for Tenten right?).The onbaa then wipes his mouth with his napkin, gets up, and starts to walk out"

Wait a minute!, yells the manager.You just killed my best waiter!And you didn't even pay for your food!

Hey man!I'm an ONBAA!Do you know what that means?!Why don't you look it up!, said the onbaa(you know by now that some animals in the NARUTO universe can talk)as he left the restuarant.

"When he left, the manager slowly walks back to his office and looks in a dictionary"

'Onbaa:An extremely rare mammal that grows in an extremely quick ammount of time, usually found in the surrounding forest of Konoha.Onbaas are characterized by clinging tightly to their mother's back until they are grown enough, as a cub it is dark brown, but when older and if turned wild they will become white.Eats shoots, and leaves.'

A/N:Yes, did you get it?Fear the ninja onbaas!Muahahaha!They will take you down with their taijutsu and ninjutsu!


	4. Elephant trunk

**Disclaimer:I do not own NARUTO.**

**Warning:Contains the word PENIS more than usual, if you are not smart enough you will never get the jokes.**

**At Asuma's house**

"Asuma has been having chronic trouble in getting an erection(he can't get it up).After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to see Tsunade"

**Hokage's office**

What do you want Asuma.I don't have time for you right now, said Tsunade from behind a mountain of paperwork.

I'm sorry Tsunade...b-but i'm sort of having trouble...getting it up.., said Asuma slowly.

Oh...that's not good.

I know, that's why...I wanted you to...examine me...

Alright, lets go to the hospital.I'll check you there.

**At a hospital room**

"After a few minutes, Tsunade finally makes the diagnosis"

Well, there's good news, and there's bad news, says Tsunade.

Give me the bad news first, said Asuma with his face in his hands.

The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure.

So what's the good news?!, says Asuma on the verge of panic.

There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees.

What is it?, said Asuma trying to control himself.

It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis(Tsunade's a medical ninja, that's how she talks).Would you like to try it?

Well, the thought of going through life without sex is too much for me.

I agree.

What have I got to lose?Let's do it.

Alright.We'll start right away!

**At a nice restuarant**

"A few weeks later, Asuma takes Kurenai to a nice restuarant to celebrate the success of the operation.But while sitting at the table, he feels 'it' stirring between his legs, it just gets worse up to the point of being painful.Wanting relief, he reaches down and unzips his zipper to relieve some pressure.Suddenly, his 'you know what' shoots out from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, and then returns to his pants again"

Wow!, said Kurenai.That's impressive!Can you do that again?

Eyes watering and blushing, he said, Probably...but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!

A/N:If you didn't get this, here's the answer.Elephants use their trunks to grab food and stick it in their mouths.Now you do the math and tell me why this happened, dumbass.


End file.
